Wednesday, April 28, 2010

B.A.D. days

Shew!  It has just been one of those days...or...a series of days.  I don't really have any reason why, but  apparently I have passed it on to my sweet oldest child.   I have just been down.  Maybe sin. Maybe flesh. Maybe hormones.  Regardless, I have just been "blah."  I realize that there are a lot of people in this world that could be throwing a pity party...I am not one of them.  There is not one single reason for me to be depressed.  But, I have been a bit that way, and when that happens, it spirals downward quickly.  My thoughts go from, "I am a terrible mother" to "I am a terrible wife" to "I am a terrible friend" to "I am a terrible child of God."  So, I realize how ridiculous that last one sounds...quite the oxymoron.  I mean, when are "apple of His eye" and "terrible" synonyms?!?

Whenever I have these feelings, I realize that just around the corner, God usually has something big for me to realize, or something for me to understand about Him that I never have before.  This morning I felt like that was coming.  I had some sweet time with the Lord and didn't feel 100% but at least trusted Him that He was going to help me along the way today, with or without the "feelings."  It was a good morning...until I was trying to get the kids in the car for Austin to get to school.  I snapped...too much fighting, too much disobedience, so Mommy got frustrated.  And then felt terrible.  Really terrible.  I kept thinking...when I disobey over and over and over again, God doesn't snap.  He loves.  His kindness leads us to repentance.  Oh, how I want to parent as God parents me.  I apologized and felt so broken.

Here is where A's day started:  right when he walked in the doors of school, his teachers said.   It was bad.  REALLY bad.  Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  Note home with lots of details of not honoring the rules.  Wow.  Here is where I have two options:  let a five year old's behavior bring me back down and find my identity in it, OR let it be an opportunity of growth.  Option one:  I mean, if he is a great kid, then he has to have great parents, right?  Wrong.  And, if he is a disrespectful kid, he must have terrible parents, right?  Wrong.  I feel like so often if we are honest with ourselves, we really can find our identity in our children's behavior.   Everyone wants to hear that your child is loved by other people, but it shouldn't ruin your world if they have a terrible day, or even is seen as a "wayward child."  Option 2.: It should point you to Christ.  Jesus, what is the root here?  Is his love tank not full?  Is he not feeling well?  Is he just in need of seeing what sin is to understand what your grace is? The reality is that Austin has a precious heart for the Lord.  I know that He has his hand on his life, and I can't wait to see him grow and change in God's grace.  I would take a bazillion horrible days, knowing that he loves the Lord.

Okay, so while A is having a terrible day, I was really trying to listen God myself and trust Him to turn this ship around.  And, I decided to get my haircut.  REALLY cut.  So, call it over-spiritualization, but this was really helping me.  I told myself and the Lord that as I chopped my hair, I was chopping all the impatience with the kids and selfishness in life in general.  I was so sick of myself.  Here we go, God, take me on a new, deeper journey.  Yes, I totally know that I will never be patient and selfless all the time, but work with me, was a good, tangible picture for me...

...back to Austin...he gets in the car from school...tears and apologies for his terrible day.  I told him that I was sorry for my reaction this morning and I told him what I told myself and the Lord in getting my haircut.  Sweet boy.  He just looked at me through tears and said, "Mom...I need a haircut..."

Oh, I hope tomorrow is a better day.  Thank you, Jesus, that you are a trustworthy God, who loves us on good days and bad...and just the same on each.  Thank you that we can't earn our way to heaven.  Thank you for showing me grace through my sin.  Have your way in my life!!!!


Jenny said...

thank you for sharing the tough days with the good. it's good to hear about struggles and how with the Lord, we can rise above! thank you for sharing your heart with us!

Christy said...

AMEN AMEN AMEN! I need a haircut, too, sweet Austin! I so appreciate your honesty and perspective! THanks for preaching truth to yourself and letting us in on hearing it too. :) Love you friend!

demp5 said...

Your Austin sounds like a sweetheart! Thank you for writing this post - it really spoke to my heart. We can not listen to the lies of the enemy.